A thriving life means following your passions and dreams. But, as we so well know, life is a journey of ups and downs, of ons and offs, backwards and forwards whether physical, financial, or emotional. Developing relationships where sharing the ups as well as the downs of life with others who are supportive, and encouraging is the hallmark of a balanced life. One of the key ingredients for being supportive is empathy.

Empathy is, of course, the ability or the willingness to experience pain or distress from someone else's point of view. Most people learn the basics of empathy in childhood (from our parents nurturing us when we're in distress). Some people just have not been equipped with that skill because they themselves never experienced it growing up or they have buried their ability to be empathetic over the years in our now culture that focuses on self, accumulation of things, and a let's avoid anything unpleasant attitude over thoughtful reflection. Or possibly, empathy isn't in their life's tool bag because by feeling another's hurts is to feel their own, a scary prospect to many.

Not feeling heard or understood lends to a sense of aloneness. Empathy, I believe, is life's connective tissue. It’s why we cry at the movies or the theatre. It’s the ability to tell our story safely…share with each other what it is like to be imperfect humans. Even if you feel a friend, your husband, or family member is totally wrong about how they are perceiving their dilemma, if you try to see that problem from their point of view, and allowing them to be who they are right then (I am not talking abusive situations), you'll be able to get through that conflict without smoldering in the corner or ending the relationship. But, sometimes that is easier to write on paper than to practice if you’ve never done it before, don’t know how to do it or are afraid of doing it.

After many years of counseling, I have found these are the keys to developing empathy. Instead of telling people what they ought to do, or becoming tyrannically optimistic, offer sympathy, inquire about feelings, and then validate those feelings. Comments and inquiries such as, “Gosh, that’s terrible”, or “I can see why that hurt you”, is offering comfort to the other person, it is validating them as human, even if you yourself can't feel or understand what they're going through. These very simple responses make a person feel understood, and connected to humankind.

Most importantly, when they disclose their feelings in response to your comments, just listen, don’t give them your opinion or advice. Let them work through their thoughts and emotions…it’s their process not yours to caretake or control by issuing them a fix-it manual. Unempathetic responses such as "It could be worse"; "Why don’t you just … ", “Why worry about that?”, “The reason you are feeling this way is because…” , “You know what your problem it?”, "It's a shame you got yourself into...", or “You’re just too sensitive…”, might appear to you to be kind and aimed at soothing or helpful, but no matter how well-intentioned, these remarks are a rejection, a denial, of what the other person is going through. "They are code for “Don't confront me with things that are unpleasant”, “Don't bother me with your pain.” or worse, “You are really a dope”.

Developing empathy will sometimes require setting ‘self’ aside along with its opinions and rationalizations. No matter how valid or accurate you feel your opinions are sometimes they are better kept to yourself if maintaining a close relationship is your hope. The catch twenty-two to all of this is that often times hurts accumulate because you’ve never been told you have been hurtful. How fair is that...But, that is because the final insult of being treated with a lack of empathy is that the hurt person usually won’t complain right away. They move off to lick their wound. The hurt person sees that any complaint as to your lack of support might be construed as a whining, pathetic plea for sympathy, which might (and most probably) incur more remarks thrust at their character and which will cause more eroding of their sense of well-being; and so, the relationship is rutpured.

And so here we sit…pondering life’s struggles.

"Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment.
With this regard their currents turn awry, and lose the name of action. " -Shakespeare