I want to live in a movie or play...I want to live someone else's life, neatly scripted from beginning to end...no waiting, no surprises, no disappointments. My only duty would be to interact with the players and execute the lines and body language in such a fashion making the story of my life believable.
I have taken this post from Stellar's post of February 23rd because I so identified with it. I have modified it to make it my own in hopes that seeing my thoughts in writing will somehow help...
Sometimes it takes everything I have just to get out of bed.
Sometimes the most painful place to be is inside my own mind.
Sometimes I feel hated so intensley it sucks the breath out of me.
Sometimesmore often than not, I am simply ready to leave this planet.
Sometimes even the thought of developing new relationships evokes abject terror inside me. How much more rejection can I handle?
Sometimes I feel trapped by my life and like a wild animal am wide-eyed searching for an escape.
Sometimes I'm furious that I have to fight DAILY for what I perceive is goodness in me.
Most of the time I feel things and respond to things that don't make sense to anyone else - but they're still valid respones and feelings to me and this is the catalyst for me feeling so isolated and off center.
They say that life is a journey. Sometimes it is very difficult to negotiate the turns, know when to park or when to give it more gas. I really do believe in the sanctity of one's own life journey but am wondering why it is so hard for us humans to respect and administer grace to one another on this level.
I am happy to be healthy, but resentful that I HAVE to be here right now and alone. I am grateful for a beautiful home and food on the table, but feel useless without being able to find and share my talents. This chapter of my life is not easy. No one dreams that they will be a totally confused, lonely, unproductive and unliked 55 year old. I just seem to eventually always drive people off. But you know, I just want to be accepted for who I am, and I know that I can't ask for that from everyone, but how about just ONE person? In the past several years, I have been surrounded by people who I do not connect with and who find it their obligation to criticize me. That has eroded my sense of well being. Come on life...how about just one close friend who will love me unconditionally? How about just one close friend who won't constantly critize my every thought, action or dream. How about it life!
At this point in time, I'm just hanging on, trying to ride these feelings out. Yes, life is a rollercoaster, and now based on my past behavior, this is when I usually execute my method of operation and get off and find a different ride only to find that I'm still with me and still am being circled by the same vulturous demons who are plucking at my flesh.
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response. Dad did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."